My friend was getting married in another city. I was all excited and planned to attend but was taken aback when I told my husband about it and he opposed. It was a flight away, rough town, and I would have to spend a night at a hotel. I guess he had his reasons but I couldn’t believe it. We were only a few months into our marriage and this was the first time we had a serious conflict of opinions. I was used to having my mother influence my decisions – Yes, No, or Okay but here are the conditions. Now it seemed my husband was going to assume that role.
Two possible reactions. Go into a rage, ask why he wants to ‘control me’, and question the basis of his decision… then tell him I’m a grown woman, I can decide for myself, and proceed to do what I wanted… OR… Remind myself that I got married to a reasonable man and he has my best interest at heart, and that I signed up for this kind of interference when I said ‘I DO’.
WHAT DID I REALLY DO WHEN I SAID ‘I DO’?
People often desire that marriage will bring out the best in them and that everything will be beautiful and blissful. Some assume they’ll always have things go their way especially if their spouse expressed love for them during courtship with several acts of selflessness, but what sort of union would it be if one continually made sacrifices while the other carried on in jolly land, no shift, no change, no adjustments?
My husband’s mentor often said, ‘marriage is the crucible God uses to shape sons’. The events of your life as a couple are opportunities to grow, change, evolve, gain mastery, become wiser, learn humility, become a better team player, and ultimately become the best version of yourself. This would be the case in a healthy union where each party truly seeks the good of the other. In this case, marriage would make you.
But can marriage mar you? Ah! Listen to the stories of pain, hurt, abuse, deception… but this doesn’t have to be your story.
That’s why each person has a lot of work to do before you say ‘I DO’. You need to ask yourself real and hard questions such as: What am I really doing? What am I signing up for? Who am I permanently bringing into my space? Who am I giving a position of continuous influence in my life? and who am I empowering to make potentially life altering decisions on my behalf if ever I am unable to. You need to know before you say I DO.
So talk, listen, ask questions, pay attention to the answers, observe, investigate, do your background check, pray, discuss with mentors, seek counsel from elders, pray again, and seek to understand things that aren’t clear. Open every cupboard so you can be sure there are no skeletons, and if there are, you decide whether you’re comfortable living with that for the rest of your life. Bottom line – deploy all your arsenals and do your part to know as much as possible before you say I do.
How did we resolve our matter?
We sat and discussed, and he shared his concerns and together, we came up with a way to let my friend and her husband know that we care for them and are happy about their union. It didn’t matter at all that I was absent. Her wedding was a beautiful celebration of love… and as they lifted their glasses to toast to unending love, I revelled in the one I had, with assurance that he’s got my back.
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Today’s post is a Guest Feature by Anietie Bature. Anietie wears many hats, she is a Singer, Songwriter, Engineer, Blogger and Vlogger. She is married to Kingsley Bature and they have three lovely children. She is the voice behind two of my favorite songs ‘My Whole Life’ and her recently released single, ‘Today’. You can follow her on www.anietie.com.
Here is her new song ‘Today’ for your listening pleasure.
Thank you Anietie for sharing your thoughts with us on relationships.
[…] You can read the full story here […]
Thank you for this beautiful piece, submission is the key
Wow! This is so inspiring. Am so blessed to know you. Even though it’s was for a short while. Looking forward to learn more. Thanks a bunch 😘
Submission is the word most people hate to hear. But in 1cor 15: 24-28. Jesus submitted all things to the father, God inturn submitted all things to the son except Himself. Finally Jesus knowing all things have been submitted to Him now submitted all thing to the father including Himself. If Jesus being a fellow God submitted to the father ,why do we find it difficult to submit to one another. It’s a two way thing anyway, but the bulk of it is on the women. That is why you need to ask yourself those strong and truth reveling questions before you say I do. When you have a good head, submission is effortless. Thank you mrs Bature, I guess this is your ministry. Thank you Lifeandbecoming for bringing real life issues here on the table.
GOD bless you Mrs. Baturi for this write up.
Well done. I think sometimes people are not ready/willing to dig too deep and open every cupboard because they are afraid of the ‘skeletons’ that will be found in them. They don’t want to be in a situation where they have to probably end the relationship, so they filter the search, ask only questions that will produce the answers they are hoping for and make excuses for the rest. Marriage is for mature people. Anyone who believes he or she is ready for marriage must be bold to make some tough calls, before and in the marriage.
I don’t even want to imagine the trauma that comes with leaping before looking in marriage. Thank you Mrs B for highlighting the importance of shutting down the butterflies and asking the hard questions before saying “I do.” Because long after the butterflies die, you still have to live with your choice of a life partner.
Thank you Uncle ID and Aunty T for this feature.
Truly insightful..Due diligence is essential before you say I DO…
Thank you, we are glad that you found the information useful.
Thanks for the insight
You are welcome
Beautiful guest post. I like that you emphasize doing good research and asking the hard questions before taking the big step.
I agree it is always best to take decision from an informed perspective, research definately gives you that advantage. Thank you
Topical and contemporary. Due diligence is the way to go before committing your self to say ‘I do’. A must read for all intending as well as married couples. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for your comment, we are glad you found it useful.
This is a beautiful write-up. When struggling with submission, it definitely helps to remember that our partner has our best interest at heart and our trust in them led us into the marriage in the first place. Much thanks for the wisdom-filled directives Mrs Bature… looking forward to more of your features.
Remembering your ‘Why’ helps you get through tough days. Thank you
This is a beautiful write-up. When struggling with submission, it definitely helps to remember that our partner has our best interest at heart and our trust of them lead us into the marriage in the first place. Much thanks for the wisdom-filled directives Mrs Bature… looking forward to more of your features.
Timely and apt write up. Thank you for the reminder. Points duly noted to be effected. God bless you Mrs. Bature for sharing your story. Lifeandbecoming you keep inspiring, touching and blessing our lives with your read. I pray for more grace to fall on you
Thank you very much.
When people says: Joshua, your mates are gradually leaving you on this queue. I smile, because I know unlike my “Mates”, I still have the opportunity to learn and Correct some mistakes be the “I DO”
Thank you Anietie for Sharing from your bank of experiences.
You and Kingsley are the next couple I tried to learnt from after Thelma and Idoreyin
One of the biggest life lessons is to stay on your own lane, everyone has a different path. Thank you for your comment
Great! Thanks for the feature, T&I.
Always a pleasure!